Definition does everything to help us determine what something is and where it belongs.
Security is the be all end all in growth. When an individual lacks security, they invite fear. Fear leads to hate, hate leads to the dark side. Yoda wasn’t wrong. On 9/11 2001, every American had their security stripped from them. No one knew what was happening or if they would be next. All at once, the bad guy could win. Fear moved in and we stopped growing for a day while we all fought to survive it. Panic set in and we worried for our loved ones and our lives.
Rape is the apex of being completely stripped of all control and leaves the victim completely powerless. It is an inability to control the fate of your own your body. It is, without a doubt, the single most terrifying thing I can possibly think of. Next to watching those I love die. Another reminder of how little control we have. Watching someone you love take it’s last breath and then pass from this world to the unknown. And there is nothing you can do to pull them back or stop it. Helpless.
It’s quite simple. Control = Safety. Loss of Control = Danger. 9/11 reinforced this belief in all of us.
On 9/11, at the height of fear and confusion in America, while we were at our most vulnerable, my own fear and confusion were launched to a whole new level of fear, and I lost complete control over my body. I lay on the bed listening to the reporter describing the events in New York while you all watched the second tower burn, and he…
I have seen the other side of fear and lived with complete and total lack of control. I was voiceless then mute. My guilt haunted me for fourteen years and all I could do was cry for New York and blame myself for the events of the day. It isn’t fair. No one should shoulder that much guilt. Ever. I… I don’t think I’ve been fair to myself. The deaths of 3,000 people and rape is a lot of guilt and grief to shoulder. And I shouldered mine for 14 years. I’m tired and it feels so good finally be talking out loud about this.
I used the radio to forget what it was he was doing to me. I used the terror in New York to loose myself so I wouldn’t have to think about what was happening. The act, in turn, amplified the horror I heard in New York. I cried for them so I could pretend I wasn’t bothered by what happened to me.
*smiles* I guess it is as bad as it sounds. “Raped on 9/11” Yeah. It’s fucking that bad. He took a fucking bad situation and made it so… so much worse all so he could get off. Dumb fucking bastard. I think it’s okay to hate him now and to give myself a break. He is dead, by the way. Died at age 69 of a heartache without once paying the price for what he did. His wife has no idea what he was. The last I knew, he went after a twelve year old he used to make me jealous. I told the police and they dismissed me, telling me that I was a spiteful girlfriend.
And you know what I can’t help, but wonder. 6 out of 10 females have been sexually assaulted. And those are only the ones who have found their voice again! I think it is closer to 8 out of 10. But this… this is what haunts me. How many women were raped on 9/11 like me? Are you there? Am I as alone as I believed for 14 years? Are there others out there, still trapped in silence, unable to speak, who haven’t been able to find their way out yet? I wish I could talk to them. I wish they could find me. I’d take their hand. I’d hold them and cry with them.
Bit by bit, I’m Unbreaking Me.
Tomorrow will be a happier day, dear reader. *smiles* I promise.
