I want to say, “Please let me be. Please let me go. I love my husband too much to risk losing him or hurting him ever again. And talking to you, connecting with you would do just that. There’s too much I don’t know about right now. Too much that just… I’m too messed up to think for me. I can’t trust me right now. I need my husband. I need my therapist. and every time you talk to me… it messes with my already messed up head. But god I miss you so.
Now I read his words over and over. I miss her. And then I cried allowing the hurt to flow free with relief. “Thank you,” I said to Bergen. “Thank you so much. That resolved a lot. Thank you.”
Bergen slowly puffed his pipe in front of the fire, gazing at the flames. I knew he was listening.
‘m doing much better today,” I said. “Hosea came home and I was able to talk.” Bergen still hadn’t turned and looked at me. I was grateful that he hadn’t made eye contact.
“My rapist… the pedophile, was fond of sucking on my vagina so hard that he burst my blood vessel. He then sucked the blood, forming a severe blood blister on my vagina the size of a marble. He did this a lot and the blister would take weeks to heal. I forgot all about it and… I had a rough day yesterday. Then Raven contacted me, and it was all just… I was an emotional mess. Sorry for dumping on you. I feel bad about it. I told Hosea about Raven, and he was completely supportive and okay with it. I think he was more concerned about my reaction to him.
“I’m sorry,” Bergen said.
“Thank you,” I replied. “I’m not allowed to tell people not to be sorry. I’m supposed to let you empathize with me, but I feel selfish when people do, like I’ve hurt them. My therapy is going VERY well 🙂 I can definitely see where I’m going with it and I know I’ll be okay. But right now, I feel like I have this “rod of reality” grounding me in this world, while another realm… four of them are happening around me. The goal is to let the other worlds fade while this one gets more visible for me. Raven is very much attached to “the other world” and when he’s around, I slip right back into those worlds and everything becomes askew again. Hence why we can’t talk. Hence yesterday.
