They say within genius there is madness.
The thing is, the genius is often not understood by many. But also, the mind of a genius moves so quickly that the thoughts appear as madness to those only watching a fraction of the play.
My mind moves fast. Too fast for my words or my hands to keep up with everything. That’s why I switched to podcasting. Because my typing was not fast enough to keep up with the words running through my head.
Every time I look back on my words or my podcasts, I have the thought of deleting what I see. But then, you wouldn’t have the whole truth would you? You would then, only have a piece of the truth. You then would be free to make up your own assumptions and fictions in between the bits I chose you to see.
Incomplete truths, cleaned up madness… manipulated delusions designed to make me look better than I was. No. I chose to keep it all and show you just how bad it once was.
How insane it was to hold four people inside my head. Even when, at times, it made no sense.
We shy away from feelings. We avoid Anger. Anger is my most favorite emotion of all. Anger gets the least respect and love. It is the most misunderstood.
These last two days and always, I allow myself to feel anger. I embrace it and step fully into it. Only then can I explore it and dig deep into it. Only then can I reverse engineer it. And then, in those moments, can I understand it and teach you.
My goal is to teach you.
But I am no teacher. I am no professor. I am a philosopher. I am an Oralstorian. I am an actress. A Writer. A performer. I play. My True Authentic Self is a seducing Succubus, a temptress, and a mage who waves story and song… I flirt with Energy and I don’t hold back. I love to flirt and play with the Energy of others.
What is flirting if not play. Flirting is never about sex. It’s about intimacy. That is where too many people misunderstand flirting. It is tender flirting.
I have to organize this Garden and build this City. And this world… UnderEarth… is part of it. We all have an Abstract World inside of us.
Mine was… it was once chaos and disorder. It was once ripped apart by the expectations of others and… you know… looking back, that is exactly what that was. My Abstract World… built entirely on my Perspective, my Logic, my Identity, and my Dreams… all ripped into bleeding parts by the Invasive Expectations of others.
A Perspective is a third of the piece of my World. My Identity, taken from me and ripped also apart by Fear… I lost my Truth, my Belonging, my Home… My life was dedicated to putting it back together. And now, teaching others how they too can rebuild. And then giving them an Adult Playroom filled with Field Trips and Make-Believe… Because, more than children, Adults need to play.
I need to play.
So, I have my Stage where I am writer, actor, and performer. And I have my books and my dreams. I have my world of dreams.
I have my Garden where people can heal. I have my Beacon that calls to them. And I have my Stage. It’s all coming together.
And sometimes, I look at the Universe and I ask, “Really? You want me to Podcast and play Dungeons & Dragons for a living?”
“And write,” she adds. “And… no,” she says. “You want you to Podcast and play Dungeons & Dragons for a living. And Write. I just tell you when you need to move and where as I drop the opportunities in your lap so that you *can* do those things.”
I try and imagine that life. And…
“What about my Imp?” I ask.
“Tell me where you want him,” she says. “Just ask.”
“I want him healed and whole,” I say. “I don’t care where. I just want him healed and whole and… whatever he chooses with me, I want it to be his choice because he wants me. Not because I willed it into him.”
“What do you want?”
“I want to make money with my Dreams. I want to make millions off of my dreams.”
“And the Garden?”
“I want to change the world. I want world peace. I want…”
“What do you want, Anna?”
Why is this so hard to answer?
“I want…” I sigh. “I want to know what I want. I want to know which road us next. I want to just know which road is mine for fame, fortune, wealth, love, and money… and I want my Imp beside me through it all… But only if he wants that.”
“As you wish,” she says to me. And I just shake my head. “But how?”
“Yours is not to ask how, but to sit back and watch how the ‘how’ enfolds before your eyes.”