There was never any resolution. His coat. His coat.
“Why don’t you ever take it off? You always wear your shoes and coat?”
“Because I have to be ready to run.”
Dad and Shaun would fight. I could hear their screams down the hall. And then the screen door would slam and the fighting would end. They never went back to the fight. Nothing was ever resolved. There was only ever silence. And tension. And we were always left behind in the tension. They never went back to the fight.
I would see the back of his coat. I never saw his return. And one day, he didn’t return. He was going down a bad place. And there was nothing I could do. If only he’d take off the coat… then maybe…
“A lot has changed since last I wrote,” Elizabeth said.
Her therapist looked up from her notes.
“Like what?”
“The resolution with my mother. She needs help. She’s sick. And I’m angry. And I hate her… But I can still love her. I can still have a relationship with her. But I won’t lie with her anymore. No more lies.”
“And Hosea?”
“I love Hosea still. I am certain. I learned he sleep walks.”
“Sleep walks?”
“Yes. For seven years, when he’s really tired, he sleepwalks. And he attacks me in his sleep. I thought he did it on purpose, but he has no memory of it. We learned that he did it in his sleep. That has cleared up a lot of our tension and now… everything is good between us.”
He still can’t say “spouse” or “commitment” around me. I hear those words and I cry. I scream…
I no longer cry after sex. It is still weird. Sex ends and I lay there ready to fall asleep. At peace. Ian no longer comes. This was a hard obstacle to get over. Dissociating orgasm with abandonment. Many nights I cried and begged him not to leave. He would ask me why he would leave.
“Because you’re done with me. And now you’ll throw me away.”
That’s what they all did. Not anymore.
“I still want to stay in my realms. I still love him. I’ve realized I always will. It’s just how things are. I love two men. Hosea and Raven. But I have to choose. And I have. So I live everyday adoring my husband… making love to him… loving him… But I also love Raven. I miss him. I think of him often. I don’t pine or long… I just love him so much… And there’s nothing that can be done.”
“And if you could un-love him?”
“I wouldn’t.”
“Why not? Doesn’t it make you miserable to love someone you can’t have.”
“My love for Raven has never been about having. It simply is. It still is. I love his words. I love his mind. I adore his thoughts. I don’t wish to possess them. I simply want him happy. And if my absence is what will make him happy, then I give it eagerly… smiling. That is how I love him. And I know he loves me the same way. And that is enough. Because it is a love without possession. It truly is an amazing kind of love.”
“And Hosea?”
“I love him. I will have him.”
But the coat…
My brother’s coat…
Something about that large yellow coat makes me scream, “Don’t leave me!” And I don’t know why. I hate that I don’t know why.
