I dreamed last night.

I dreamed a man came to the house to rob us, saw me, and decided to rape me instead. But I fought back. I took up a bowl and smashed his head in. I smashed the bowl right through his head until he was dead. I must have hit him a dozen times. There was blood and brains everywhere. And I loved it. Now that is comfort to me. I was strong enough. I won. And he didn’t rape me.

I had therapy tonight. I talked about my mother. We talked tonight about my father and all the players.

We talked about Tribble. What she was to me. How I miss her. How much I miss her.

And the abortion. How he had sex with me after the abortion. We talked about how I wasn’t allowed clothes when I slept. How I wasn’t allowed to sleep unless he was inside of me. She said that was an exercise of complete control. I don’t understand that. My husband says it was a way to establish control even while I slept. I wanted clothes. I get cold when I sleep. I also wanted my clothes when I slept.

We talked about my brothers.

Afterwards, Hosea and I went to the store. I told him about the evening… and Eugene. How Eugene drinks and chews… I thought of his relationship with my mother… what it was…

And oh my god, do I want a Guinness and I clove right now. So bad. I want a Guinness. I want to destroy myself. And I don’t know why.

Now I am awake. It’s 4:30 A.M. I just masturbated beside my husband who sleeps. I had to. I tried to think of all sorts of things. Of raven. No… I threw him from my mind. I thought of my husband and threw him aside too. I thought of the porn I’ve seen and sexual circumstances, but none of it would do. I wanted to masturbate right there, beside my sleeping husband. And me. Just me. And no one else. I wanted to orgasm… and nothing else.

I also thought about how I’m getting better. How I’m changing. I’m thinking about the things I will be giving up, like men’s desires for me. And that scares me. Living without that… Here is the truth. I don’t want that to go away. I love it. I want it. I’m scared of not having the ability to cock my head just slightly and soften my eyes with a hint of a smile. I am scared of not having the skill to look right through them and show them exactly what I am.

My life without that? … I’m scared.

And I still want that Guinness.